Death

Do you think that you tend to know more people who die as you get older? Is it because we are older (and old people die more), or because as the years go by we collectively know more people, and therefore the stats are against us? We've had a few deaths lately, both unexpected, several deaths of family members in the last year, and more of both in the last few years. It's always unsettling to know or know of someone who dies. Just like an illness or other extremely stressful situation, you think of the family a lot, and in my case, think of your family a lot. Since the two most recent deaths were both unexpected, I find myself pondering the possibility of it happening to my immediate family. I have been thinking of this on and off since M's dad passed away, and my anxiety about it comes and goes. M seems relatively healthy, but so did the other people who died recently. Plus, accidents happen. I've also been thinking of this in light of a new project M and I have taken on (more on this later), and how hard it would be to do it on my own.

As an aside, we are having a nice weekend in Vermont. The weather is cool and crisp, and at times even sunny, though the leaves are all but gone. We took a couple of nice walks today by The Farmhouse, and had lunch at The Brewery with the kids. The best chicken wings I have ever had in my life. Worth the (so hungry!) forty-five minute wait. We'll probably hang around and meander back in time for Indian food with Lovely (former) Neighbors. Then M leaves to help his mom pack and move to her new house and I am ALONE WITH THE KIDS. Time to hunker down and only get the minimum done. In my case, that means nothing much beyond getting the kids dressed and ready for school, packing lunches, hanging out after school and being present for home visits, providing snacks and dinner and putting them to bed. And did I forget to mention, GETTING UP AT FOUR AM WITH SAM? Like I said, not much will get accomplished besides the necessities. Wish me luck!

In which I get all mushy about my kids and Halloween

There are a lot of things that are hard about having kids. Sleepless nights (or years for that matter), potty training, huge meltdowns, and more sleep deprivation. Actually, looking back, most of the stress of having your kids be little seems to be (for me at least), just this feeling of not being yourself. From sharing your body (the constancy of feeding and holding a baby delightful and then the constant carrying of a toddler), to the mental and emotional limits of not having a whole lot left over after all of the caretaking is done. And the nights, days, weeks, months, years of exhaustion can not be underestimated. It takes a hell of a toll on a person.

But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Aside from the highlights of the early years; walking, talking, giggles and discoveries; there is the peace of coming back to yourself as the kids get older and develop into small people with distinct personalities. The break of getting to the point of your child being able to play by themselves, however temporarily. The joy of being old enough to understand the major themes of holidays (loving family, good food, presents). And then there are the moments that make it fun to be a parent. The reason you do it in the first place. The reason that despite all the rough times, you can't imagine having made any other choice.

For me, this year, Halloween has been one of those times. The kids are old enough to show a preference for dress-up and costumes, theatrical displays, and spooky stuff. I have reveled in my Batman and Darth Vader chasing each other through the house, and our own Spongebob and Woody jumping on the trampoline. In addition, and I must say I take a little pride in this; the kids are not scared of anything. In fact, they beg for more. Case in point. Apparently, as I noted in an earlier post, LB complained that the decorations we borrowed from Grandma were not spooky enough. Especially compared to the spooky stuff in our next door neighbors yard. So together, we scoured the local Halloween stores for hanging bats, skulls that light up, pirate skeletons, ghosts and scary old fences.

Several haunted houses and spooky night walks later, we have reached the pinnacle. All Hallows Eve. Mellow day, followed by afternoon haunted house, neighbor Halloween/pre-trick or treating party, trick or treating on our street with Lovely Neighbor, and then trick or treating in Lovely Neighbors new neighborhood, followed by pizza and general mayhem. I have thoroughly enjoyed the Halloween season this year. We have carved pumpkins (three carved, eight all-together), roasted pumpkin seeds (some burned), and gone to community events. Our kids are like us, loving of fun and costumes and scary stuff. And it might be genetic, because OUR parents like Halloween too. We have finally reached the fun point in having children. Despite the hardships, there are times like today when we actually think, maybe this whole child-rearing thing wasn't such a bad idea...

Confession

I have a confession that I feel kind of guilty about. Of course, if I didn't feel guilty about it, it wouldn't be a confession, would it? Here's the thing. I try to live by example. I am not a big activist, I don't write to my senator, or attend rallies. Even when the cause is something I care deeply about. I do vote (though often for the lesser of the evils); I grow some of my own food and buy mostly organic and local; I recycle; I compost; I walk or ride my bike instead of driving when possible; I try to choose a recreational activity with my family instead of paying for an activity when I can, but... A really big but, actually. I am a consumer. More than I would like. I like buying things. Not shopping, really, but things that are easy for me to justify. We go to the library regularly for the kids, but I also buy a ton of books on Amazon for my Kindle because I love to read and finally have the time. M makes me coffee every day, twice a day, but I also sometimes buy coffee when I am out. I usually bring water with me, but I occasionally buy bottles of water, which I hate. We order take-out at least once a week (usually Indian with Lovely Neighbors). I buy Halloween decorations because LB says the ones we borrowed from Grandma aren't spooky or scary enough. I buy Halloween costumes, because they are better than the ones I could make (though I draw the lines at the ones that seem like they are made out of plastic bags). I buy apps for our iPad, mostly educational ones for the kids, but still. I buy music for me and movies to entertain the kids, because I think music is an important way to express yourself and relax, and M and I really like movies and want to share that with the kids. I buy pretty shoes and occasionally expensive jeans, because quality is easier to rationalize than quantity. I like things that are well made and last a long time. And pretty shoes make me happy.I buy books for the kids, because, well, they're books! And having a kid with autism makes somethings easier to buy. The Yogibo (crazy huge beanbag)? It's therapy. The apps and tag reader books? They will help him to read! The Spongebob Halloween costume will help him to imitate, interact and participate! The cool clothes will help him seem more normal, and to be honest, like someone cares about him. I hate seeing folks with special needs who just look like nobody cared enough to buy them clothes that fit. I recognize that I am lucky to live in a country where I have these options, and that I have the money to buy these things. For years, we watched every penny, and saved up for the "important" things. Now, it's a little easier, and I admit, I am enjoying it. I like making my kids happy and to be honest, I like playing with their toys too. Do they have too many? Probably. That's why we do toy and clothes cleansings and give away things we don't need anymore to friends or other people who might be able to use them. I understand that things aren't that important, and if it was all gone tomorrow, I think I'd be fine. I've done without before, and I could do it again. But isn't it okay to do a little of both? To take a walk and collect fall items for the science table at school or go apple picking and make apple crisp, but also to buy tickets to a special show or a much desired toy? I am still trying to balance taking advantage of the opportunities provided where I live now, and remember that we are all happiest playing outside, riding bikes home from school or collecting sticks. I think it's good to continually be seeking balance. Too smooth a ride would be, well, boring.

Little Bunny doesn't know his letters

I really need to start writing down my ideas for blog posts. I think of these great ideas, and ASSUME I will remember them. But then I don't. So I will start with what's on my mind. LB doesn't know his letters very well at all. He knows the letters in his name (of which there are three), and can MAYBE recognize half a dozen more on a good day. Is that normal? It feels like not a lot to me, and I'm not sure how to help him with this. I tend to get really frustrated when teaching him things because his patience is short (like mine) and he gets frustrated and says he quits, and then I snap, and it's done and I just feel guilty. His speech is great, he uses complete and lengthy sentences, is very creative/imaginative and a big story teller. I would say that his use of numbers is only slightly better, in that he can reliably count to ten or eleven, but doesn't have much of an understanding of written/printed numbers. I should obviously talk to his teacher(s) about this, along with my mother (educator/speech therapist), and babysitter (teacher). I can easily get him help, but I'm not sure what is normal for this age (4.5years old). To be honest, this is not something we've focused a whole lot on, so given the chance, he might progress very quickly. It's just that we were playing this Montessori Crossword game on the iPad, and I realized he had very little letter recognition. With Sam being Sam, I'm just never sure what is typical...Sam, of course, has great letter recognition, and needs to work more on the letter/sound connection. He is more at a reading/writing stage, though his number skills need some work (though are improving).

Back Again

The past several weeks have been unusually crazy. I went to OR for my annual girl trip with Aunty B. Then I chaired the scholastic book fair at The Little Person's School. I took The Little Person to the Legofest in Boston, M and I went to a live taping of the radio show Says You in Concord, MA; and M went to Alaska for a week for business. Did I mention we went apple picking? And our good friends from Juneau, came east to look at boarding schools for their son. They are staying at my parents house. I'm sure there is more, but I'm tired from my week of single parenting and being sick.

Other names The Little Person goes by are Little Bunny, Meatball, and Pickle. Let's go with Little Bunny for a while. LB for short. LB and I put up Halloween decorations we borrowed from Grandma on Saturday. LB decided the decorations weren't spooky enough, especially compared to our next door neighbors. So yesterday we went to the Halloween store (a.k.a iparty) and found some spookier stuff. I think we did pretty well. LB has also been getting into Legos. He actually started building things, mostly pirates and ships.

Old friends

This last weekend we had the opportunity to hang out with some college friends. M and I went to school with Mr. H, and he and M lived together and were in the same fraternity. yes, the fact that we were both involved in the Greek system in college is our dirty little secret. mine was even the subject of a skit on Saturday Night Live. Mr. H and his wife were dating when we were in college, and she came to visit often, so we have known her for a long time too. They are actually, of our friends, the only people we know who have been together longer than we have. They came to Alaska on their honeymoon, and spent some time with us. We were able to set up a couple of things for them in Juneau (Glacier trek/ice climbing trip with helicopter comes to mind), but Mrs. H planned most of the trip herself, and did a fantastic job, even from the perspective of someone who lived there.

Anyway, even though they live in NH, and we have been back for over two years now, this is the first time that we have seen each other since we have been back east. They drove 2.5 hours and spent the night at the Farmhouse with their kids. It was one of those situations where it has been a while (probably since Sam's baby naming 7 years ago), and yet it was just the same. At one point, we were making dinner and all in the kitchen, and the kids were running around, and we looked at each other and I said, "This is weird!" But mostly it was weird because it wasn't. And M has reminded me that he and Mr. H saw each other once at Union for a Beer Pong Tourney, but that was through a haze of beer...

The kids got along fantastically. The "little" boys had a sleepover in The Little Person's room, and their daughter is just a really cool kid. They all went sledding down the grassy hill, and whined when it was time too leave, which we thought was a good sign.

It was a good way to end the summer. We spent time with friends, we ran around in VT and hiked and swam; we went to farm and checked out the cows, horses, sheep and chickens, and drove around country roads, "toodling." We got back in time for a leisurely dinner of take-out Indian food, and prep for The Little Person's first day of school. The Whole Day! Eating Lunch At School! Taking The Van Home!

First day of school

Today was Sammy Noodles' first day of school. Well, the first day that all the kids are back, since he went to school all summer. Actually half camp, half school. I don't know how it went because he isn't home yet. He got to meet his new second grade teacher today, Mrs. S. She sent us a lovely email welcoming Sam and asking about anything she could do to make things better or easier for him. I think I will take her up on it, as soon as I catch up on a few things, like blogging.

We spent the last week on Cape Cod. It was really a great vacation. We took the kids to the beach every day (most days they went twice), and we swam in the pool, played outside, and ate lots of seafood. The house was perfect for us, and I like the idea that it is a house and area we can go back to next year.

I wanted to get something off my chest, to share a thought with you. I should start off by telling you that M disagrees with me on this. Every once in a while, someone with kids who is coming to my house will ask me what they should say about Sam to their kids. Now these are nice, good people. Often people I know pretty well. And I find myself feeling, well.....annoyed. I know, it sounds terrible. Wouldn't I rather someone ask than not talk to me (or Sam)? Sure. And I have thought about it a lot to figure out what it is about the question, and the conversation, that bothers me. The truth is, it isn't the concept of asking, it's the vagueness of the question. I think I would mind less if someone asked me a specific question about Sam. Or, if their child asked me a question. That would be even better, I think. But when someone asks me in advance of a visit, or in preparation for a conversation with their kid(s), what to tell them about Sam, I guess I just don't know what to say. And I guess I think it's kind of a dumb question. I apologize in advance for my rudeness, because I know the question is well intentioned, and not asked to make me feel bad, or irritated. But the thing is, I'm not sure it's necessary to talk about Sam's disability in advance of meeting him, if a kid doesn't ask.

That said, my answer would probably be more general than specific. I wouldn't necessarily say to a young kid that Sam had autism, but more likely go along the lines that there are some things that are difficult for him, like talking, and he uses a device (the iPad) to help him communicate. I think part of exposing kids to people's differences is sort of pretending like things aren't a big deal, or they aren't that different from you. Focusing on the similarities. The idea, that all children are kids, just like you, but some may have a special chair to help them walk (and go really fast), or an iPad to help them talk (and tell jokes, play games, watch movies and read books). I know this is simplistic, and may not work for all kids, but I feel like the way to talk about this kind of thing is on a need to know basis. Like when a kid asks a direct question. Does this make any sense? I hope I haven't offended anyone, and I don't know if other parents of kids with special needs, or kids with autism feel like this, but it is how I feel. So if you ask me what to tell you to tell your kid about Sam's autism, I may say I don't know. I'm not in charge of autism PR. I do have a child with autism, and it is a distinct part of my life, but it's just a part. Ask me what he likes to do (swim), or eat (pizza), or whether he understands what we say (yes, mostly, when asked in a direct and simple way), and is he happy (absolutely!). But I am not an expert in autism, and all kids on the spectrum are different. So I can only share my experiences. which I might do, if you are very nice and I'm in the mood.