Here's the Story, of a Girl Named Ami

So, here's my question about blogging. If I haven't blogged in a while, am I obligated to catch you all up with every detail that has happened since we last spoke? Because frankly, I don't remember most of it. Certainly not the tasty little tidbits you come here for. If I was forced (by my own self) to recount the last seven days, I fear I'd only remember the obvious facts, rather than the nuances that make a great story.

I promise to recommit myself to you, dear readers, if you give me another chance. I'll try not to have it go on this long again.

The good news is that Sam is getting an iPad for school. That is a huge relief. I still feel behind on doing daily one-on-one work with Sam, so I need to get on that. He continues to get up at an absurd hour, one that I will not repeat, since I will be visiting it in about six hours. Through The Little Person, we've made friends that I hope enjoy us as much as we do them. I feel struck by my recent realization that Sam is moving ahead in grade levels he surely hasn't passed. I'm still trying to come to terms with that.

I've found Sam a new swimming instructor, who will teach him at her home pool. We are crossing our fingers that this works out. The Little Person is going to learn from her as well. I'm cautiously optimistic...

We are working on some potential house renovations. Trying to alleviate some small problems, and also to stay in our house during construction. For Sam. Moving out would be really stressful for me as far as keeping an eye on Sam. Our house is such a safe haven for us with him. I don't think I'd realized that until just now. Have a few nice trips planned for the next several months. Without children. Taking advantage of the opportunity to connect with close friends from Juneau and high school (me).

The Little Person and I (and Gram today) have been going to the beach at the lake. I have really enjoyed it. It's a cool option to have nearby. I am looking forward to taking Sam. I think I will bring buddy, to be helpful with Sam (or The Little Person). Vegetable garden is coming along. More planting to do!

The thing that has taken up a lot of our time, at least our thinking time, is discussion about renovating our house. We would like to give the outside character as well as curb appeal and renovate two of the bathrooms. What we do is spend lots of time driving around and discussing what we like, or looking up pictures on the internet. Or drawing pictures (M, not me) to explain our ideas.

That's all I got. For now.

The Newest Member of Our Family

The Cecils have been busy watching frog TV. Max the frog is the newest member of our family. He has his own tank, picked out by The Little Person, along with a live plant, blue rocks, and a Spongebob figurine. The bet in our house is how long we can go before we have to buy a new frog...The kids are very happy to sit and watch Max, and it's killing them not to feed him constantly and tap on the glass. So right now he is on the kitchen table so they can be supervised and M and I can frog-sit.

Sam had a great day at school today. He even got up in the 5 o'clock hour, for a change. He is doing a little of the crazy laugh, otherwise known as inappropriate laughing. I know it sounds like a small thing, but he keeps coming over and hysterically laughing at Max the frog, very loud, in my ear, and it's driving me a little nuts. I can hear him laughing in the basement right now...

It's nice to have a weekend at home, and we are not going anywhere, but it's also a weekend largely without childcare. Fortunately, Babysitter Extraordinaire is coming to save us on Sunday night. Also, I am feeling TONS better, and a lot less exhausted since I started taking my medicine at night. Now I can stop Googling Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I even managed to call a contractor to set up a meet and greet for our potential house renovation. Looking for a low-key, if not relaxing weekend of house/yard chores, and frog TV (and a little yoga...). We finally planted our vegetable garden, and it makes me happy to look at our little seedlings. Still working on security measures so that little creatures don't enjoy our strawberries before we do!

Next week, we meet with Sam's team to discuss the school purchasing an iPad for him. I am also exploring after school activities for him. I would like to find a good swimming situation for him again, and I have a wild idea about finding him a music teacher. On my longer term list is calling back the Dr. at the sleep clinic, but since I can't wrap my head around him having a sleep study, I have been procrastinating.

I have been too tired and as a result overwhelmed to even think about most of the things on my to do list, but now that I'm BACk, maybe I'll be able to take care of a few things. I am feeling guilty about not having done computer work with Sam after school in a while. Also, i need to find him a developmental pediatrician, and consider an eye exam. And did I mention he will need a spacer in his mouth since one of the teeth he got pulled won't come in for several years?

The Cecil Diet is going swimmingly. I haven't lost much weight, but I feel less squishy, if that makes any sense. I may have to cut out my current daily cheat-the chai tea latte one-cuppers that M bought me by accident instead of plain chai tea, and now I love first thing in the morning...

Working on a couple of mini-vacations, which give me something to daydream about at the crack of dawn, when I am up with Sam. I feel so lucky to be in a place with the kids and our life that I can even consider that. Reminds me of how far we've come and how many people we have to thank.

Safe At Home

I just wandered around the house for 15 minutes looking for my coffee, if that is any indication of things around here. It was so hot last night that I couldn't sleep, so about 12:30AM I went down to the basement where it was much cooler. I think I dozed for a while, but then something woke me, and I couldn't stop thinking of Sam's impending oral surgery. I watched TV for a while, and then Sam woke up at 4. At 5 I let Sam out and M got up while I went back to bed until 8. Sam was NPO (nothing to eat or drink) after midnight Wednesday, so we emptied the snack drawer and hid the hot dogs in the pantry under lock and key. Babysitter Extraordinaire (BE) had made a couple of batches of jello for Sam, so he ate some of that along with some watered down apple juice. We didn't send Sam to school today, so after The Little Person went to school we three just hung out for a while and got our stuff together.

The worst part was the wait, we had to wait in various places for about an hour and a half at the hospital. Also, parking was free, which would have been great if there had been any. Sam looked really cute in the hospital gown, and Matt and I wore gowns over our clothes so we could go in with him while they sedated him. Aside from being asked the EXACT same questions at least 5 times, the staff couldn't have been nicer or more accommodating. Once they started the sedation (a tube they wave in the vicinity of your mouth), it was only a minute or two before he was out. Then they put the mask on and voila! We were told it would be over an hour, and they don't want you to eat in the waiting room (because of the kids who can't eat before surgery), so we went down to the cafeteria and ended up at an outside table and chairs. We wiled away an hour playing on our laptop and blackberries and sharing some french fries and then headed back. As we sat down in the waiting room someone was coming to get us to let us know Sam was awake!

This was the worst part. When we got there he was struggling and crying against the tubes and wires and bandages, and there was dried blood on his face by his nose. He was also missing his two front teeth! In total he had three teeth pulled (the two front and a molar) and one cavity filled. They also put a sealant on all of his teeth. He was very agitated and after they had checked his vitals and given him some apple juice they said we could take him home. M went to get the car, and I waited with the struggling child. Then we walked him (I ended up carrying him) to the car and entrance where M was waiting. Once he got in the car, he was fine, totally calm, if not a little confused. He passed out soon after and slept most of the way home. At home he got on the couch with a blanket and relaxed to Spongebob. He and I snuggled for a while, and M went to pick up The Little Person from the babysitters.

That was about 2 hours ago, and he's already been outside since then and is now swinging in the basement and playing on the computer. Ah, the healing of a little boy! Unfortunately, he can't eat whatever he wants yet (clear liquids till dinner, and then chicken noodle soup, and soft solids tomorrow) and can't go to school tomorrow, but other than that, (and us being tired from a combination of early wake-up and anxiety over the unknown) we are doing great and the worst is definitely over. The Small People are both coughing intermittently and due to parental exhaustion I think the TV will be on for a while to ease the parenting duties. Hopefully, Sam will sleep well and easy tonight. One can always dream...

Tired when I sleep

Today was my day to sleep and I almost feel more tired. Go figure. Pretty good weekend, though I'm not sure exactly what we did. I do remember fries and shakes (shamrock for me) at McDonald's and then not being able to eat dinner. It was so worth it. Today Sam had swimming. The problem with swimming is mostly the time. It is at 3:15PM, and he gets home at 3PM. It takes a good 20 minutes to get to the YMCA, so we are always late. But, if I pick him up at school, which is out near the Y, we will be too early, which is also a problem. The lesson is a private lesson, so it is more expensive, and it is only a half hour, so being late cuts into an already short lesson. So today it was beautiful out, and I though, maybe I can pick him up early (I think school technically ends at 2:50PM), and let him play on the playground for 10 minutes and then go to the lesson and be on time. I called his teacher and arranged to meet them at the back door by the playground at 2:45PM, to avoid some of the end of school chaos. It seemed like a great plan and I was pretty proud of myself for thinking of something that made it easier for both of us.

This is where the plan fell apart. Murphy's Law. I arranged to meet a friend (massage therapist extraordinaire) at the farm-stand less then 2 minutes from Sam's elementary school. They have great sandwiches and a great outdoor space, so we could sit outside. Plus it was near Sam's school and the highway, so said friend could hop on and get to work in Boston. Alas, the place was closed on Mondays this time of year. So we had to regroup from my original perfect plan. We decided to head to a coffee shop in the center of town with outdoor seating as well. It cut into our time slightly, but not too badly. So we get there, and decide to have dessert for lunch with our coffee. We get a selection of sweets and find a sunny table outside. Life is good. Then I get a text from Sam's swimming instructor. I have been waiting to hear from her since last Monday. She is sick, and needs to reschedule. Great. I have already arranged to pick Sam up, so I still will, but hopefully he is not too excited about swimming. I will let him play at the school playground for a bit if he wants, but otherwise will go home. This all takes place an hour before the lesson. I can see how if you are sweet and nice and nineteen (?), it seems reasonable to cancel within a few hours of an appointment. But kids get used to routines, especially kids with autism, and change is difficult. Fortunately, Sam was fine with going home, and lovely lunch continued without (another) hitch. Such is life.

Why We Don't take Him Anywhere

People are always encouraging us to take Sam places, whether it is a birthday party, or an autism fundraising walk, or the circus, or a cruise, or to the park to fly a kite, or a field trip. They (sometimes) gently tell us we have to try, that if we never take him anywhere he will never get used to going out in public, and sometimes imply that we are leaving him out by taking his younger brother somewhere without him.

In fact, we do take him places. First of all, he goes to school five days a week, and sometimes getting him on the bus is a major accomplishment. Sometimes, not getting a call from the school or the bus driver in a day is a major accomplishment. He goes swimming at the YMCA and out for french fries (that's all we will let him eat there) at McDonald's every week with L, who does respite with him/for us and willingly gets into a bathingsuit almost every week. She also takes him to the park, and the zoo. He regularly goes for car rides with his grandparents and parents that sometimes end in french fries or donuts, sometimes not. His grandparents take him out to dinner, usually for pizza. We go to VT as a family about once a month, and depending on the weather have taken him swimming in a friend's pool, in the river (or just to throw rocks), for walks on local trails and to the raptor center. We are members at both a local zoo and a children's museum, and he is able to go with us as a family to both. For his birthday we took him to a huge indoor water park, and last year I took him to see Disney On Ice. This weekend we are going apple-picking (with our local Autism organization), and tomorrow I am taking him with his class to the movies to see Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.

It may sound defensive, and maybe it is. But, (as my MIL would say) my point is, while Sam does not go everywhere, he does go places. And as his parents we make the decision on whether or not to take him someplace based on a few criteria; our own version of a cost/benefit analysis:

1. Whether he has to go (physical or other required doctor's appointment). If it is an activity or appointment that we have no choice in, we take steps to make it as easy as possible for him and us. We will take his ipod, and put games or movies on it, along with icons/pictures he can use to communicate. we bring snacks, specifically something appealing that he doesn't get all the time, like Annie's bunny fruit snacks. We tell him where the bathroom is, and ask him frequently if he needs to go. We try to minimize the time he is in a small enclosed area. Sam does not like to be contained against his will. We don't show up too early. Waiting is not an option with Sam.
2. We examine the safety and security issues. Can we, or the person who is taking him, manage him if he gets unruly? Can we/they pick him up and carry him to the car? Is the car close enough to bail if it all goes to hell and a handbasket? Is the area contained in any way or is it too open so that he could bolt or try to wriggle away? If it does go to hell and a handbasket will we be too far from home or will the whole family have to miss an event?
3. We figure out whether it is something he wants to do or is interested enough to behave appropriately.
4. Is the benefit to Sam enough to make it worth the energy it will take us? Will it be a positive experience for him?

These are the kinds of things (and I'm sure I have forgotten some) that we think about EVERY time we take Sam out somewhere. We WANT to take him places. I hate the thought of him missing out on something. Especially something that I think he would enjoy. Also, every time he misses an event or activity, it is just a reminder of how different he and our family are. That's why I was so upset about him not being in the class picture. Next up: musings on the little person starting to notice that his big brother doesn't talk. that's how he says it. Matter of fact.

" Sam doesn't talk."

Good News and Bad News...

The good news is that apparently Sam's school picture came out great. The bad news is that he will not be in his class picture. Sigh...I guess he started exhibiting some "behavior" and they decided to skip it. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I understand him having a hard time and his teachers having to make executive decisions, but last year they planned for it and he did really well, and it makes me really sad that he's not in the class picture. It plays into how well his new teachers are able to work with him and manage his behavior. He's had a resurgence of challenging behavior at school, and it's hard top watch him go through it again, and to hear about it in his notebook, and at our meetings, and in phone calls (the "exposing himself" incident).

On the other hand, I have the best friends and the greatest family. I am doing this Walk for Autism, and I put out a plea for some donations. I am totally overwhelmed with people's generosity. People, so far have donated almost twice the amount I committed to raising. As I told my friend and fellow member of team tiny, when it doesn't suck I remember what a good life I have, and when it sucks I remember what amazing friends and family I have.

To haircut, or not to haircut

Tomorrow is picture day at Sam's school and he could technically use another haircut or more specifically "shaping," but I'm not sure if I feel like it. Actually, that is M's job, to do the shaving, I just hold the child (back when we had to do that), and in the most recent, breakthrough haircut, I got to trim the sides with a scissors. I hope that he would be as good as he was the last time, but you never know, and aside from the autism thing, I'm just tired and not in the mood. Last year, he did great on picture day, so this year we got the huge package. We may have jinxed the whole thing by doing that...

Sam had a great time with L yesterday during our respite. She forgot her bathing suit, so she took him out to lunch and the park, until the combo of Friendly's and a runny nose caught up with him and then he went home and spent some time in the bathroom. Except, poor L, and poor Sam, he didn't quite make it home. They both survived and Sam seems fine except for a sporadic cough.

I love school!

Sam has been doing great at school. There has been one incident where he, ahem, exposed himself (peed while on the playground), but we seem to have overcome that by getting him to use the bathroom prior to recess. GENIUS, I know. See, when a child doesn't speak, sometimes you forget to talk to him as much as you would a Chatty Cathy like the little person in our house (which is not always a bad thing), and forget to tell him things like where the bathroom is in a store, or remind him to use the bathroom before going outside. Because, he's a boy, and he's certainly not the only little boy I've seen pee outside, but he forgets to do it privately...like in the woods instead of in the middle of the playground, or off the top of a climbing structure.

Sam did fall out of a tree this week. In our backyard. A tree he climbs frequently, but he was hanging off of a branch that was a little smaller and less strong, and it broke. He was not hurt, and because not sustaining injuries is kind of his superpower, he landed perfectly on his feet. Like a Puma. The branch was huge (bigger than his six foot tall Dad), and the two of the kids spent the rest of the day trying to "plant" it in the ground or attach it to another tree.

Long time no post...

Things have been busy here at Sammy Noodles House. In a good way. We went on vacation to VT, and then I had to work, and then my BFF Mrs. D came to visit. And now I have to work again for the next few days. I have plenty of material, and when I have some time later in the week, I will be sharing Sam's most recent escapades. The kids are both back in school as of today (Sam started last Wednesday and then had Friday and Monday off) and we are looking forward to getting back to our regularly scheduled programs. Sam has been pretty good lately, but we are looking forward to the continued structure of school. We had to stop Sam's swimming lessons (more on that later), but got him a membership at a local YMCA and he went for his first swim with the woman who does respite with him on Sundays. They had a great time, swam for 2 hours and then he was exhausted. Which is the way we like it!

Give It Up

If you have kids and are up with them on a day you don't have to get yourself or them ready, like the weekend, at what point do you admit defeat and actually wake up? As opposed to pretending to sleep on the couch or in your bed. I tried to think of an equivalent situation for those that don't have kids, but really, why would you get up if you didn't have to? Maybe if you have to get up for work and you are still pretending to sleep? And if you are fortunate enough to have more than one child and one gets up earlier than the rest, is anyone else obsessed with not waking up subsequent child(ren)? Edited to add: Sam just took his whole family of stuffed animals down the basement stairs in 3 separate trips. I guarantee you they are being put to sleep comfortably, under the desk.

The noises that drive me crazy are the swing, the computer, the TV, and the squeaky basement door. Also, the grunts and squeaks of the autistic child who is totally awake and energetic the second he wakes up running up and down the basement stairs, turning on the too loud for morning TV, swinging on the swing that I can hear from my perch on the living room couch, and surfing the net for the loudest web sites. Did I mention the UP and DOWN the stairs and the CREAKY door? And the requests for more juice? It has occurred to me that I may have sensory issues of my own...

My real point in this post, before I got riled up yet again about sleep (or lack there of in my case), was to discuss putting limits on Sam's access to snacks, TV and computer. Now before you get all holier than though with me about how my child has fairly unlimited access to these EVIL items, let me say in defense that I am tired and it is not easy. I am not as interested in his having to request things (as opposed to just taking what he wants) as I am in his having appropriate things at appropriate times. Cereal for breakfast, hot dogs for dinner, and Chex Mix for snack. Twenty minutes of computer now, 30 minutes of TV after dinner AT THE TABLE. Basically, we need a little Annie Sullivan for our Helen Keller. But as that involves locking cabinets, and activity schedules, screaming and 24 hour monitoring on our part, I am a little hesitant. Did I mention ALL THE WORK? Quite honestly, it seems like something that should at least wait till this week of vacation is over and Sam is back in school, so we can get some help from his teachers.
Now Sammy Noodles has added his chenille blue blanket as a cape/blanket for hism and his family. I saw him float by, Harry Potter style.

The Van

As I've mentioned before, the van to school can be an issue. For whatever reason, Sam can have a great morning, and then get on the van screaming and crying. Apparently, he is usually fine by the time he rounds the corner, but it is still stressful and anxiety producing to place a screaming/flailing child on a van and seat belt him in.Today, though, he was happy as a clam to get on the bus and giggled his way to and on the van. You never know...

The second problem is the unbuckling. He does this occasionally, but increasingly rarely, in the car with us. He's more apt to unbuckle himself as we approach our house or our street. But on the bus, it is such a regular occurrence that it is a safety issue, because the driver has to stop the van. First we tried a seat belt lock, which he quickly figured out (but which I had a difficult time figuring out). Then they got a monitor to ride with Sam on the bus. Another stressful, embarrassing thing to think about and wait for phone calls about. The monitors seem to only be marginally effective. They are not trained in any specific way, and so I think they just sit next to him and tell him to stay in his seat and not unbuckle. They often ask us what we do when he unbuckles, which makes sense, but doesn't really apply since we can stop the car and turn around and give him THE LOOK. Which comes with THE VOICE. We end up feeling kind of dumb and helpless since there is not a whole lot we can do to fix the situation. It's like someone continually telling you about something you can't fix and that makes you feel like shit.

Goin Commando

Today was pretty uneventful for Sammy Noodles. The highlight was the call from a teacher who said he'd taken all of his clothes off in the bathroom, which isn't totally unusual, but in doing so had dropped his undies in he toilet. So, no, he didn't wet his pants but in case we were wondering why he had no underwear on and his undies were in a bag...No worries, he got home and took off his clothes again, I assumed because he was hot and put on a pair of his little brother's silky shorts. So now he looks like a European boxer.

In other news, the ipod has been replaced and reloaded and he has been instructed NOT to take it into the bathroom. M is out getting the replacement parts for the swing in our basement, which fell out of the ceiling last week when Sam was on it. Twice.

Yesterday I took the little one and Gram to the beach, and L, Sam's respite person, took him to the zoo that has a splash park (Capron Park Zoo), where we are members. Apparently, he did great, until it was time to leave, and then went ballistic in the gift shop (you have to enter and exit through the gift shop). We think he may have wanted popcorn, which we often get him when we are there, but L didn't know that, and even if she did, as she commented, she should have been able to tell him no without him flipping out. Sounds like it was a full blown freak out complete with knocking things off shelves and people staring at them. Plus, she had her bag and his, and she's pretty tiny anyway, so she couldn't pick him up and carry him out. Then a couple came up to her and the woman said to her, "I work in early intervention. Can I help you get him to the car?" L said yes, and the woman took his other hand and they walked to the car. The man told L that if she needed it he would pick Sam up and carry him to the car. So, all's well that ends well, but I suspect a little traumatic for L. Sam fell asleep in the car on the way home. L said she felt badly because he was so good until then. Been there-those episodes are exhausting.

Meanwhile, due to traffic near the beach, we were running later than I planned, and M met L and Sam at home. They were hanging out, Sam on the computer in the basement, when M went to water the garden. The house was locked except the back door where the garden was. M figured he'd hear Sam if he came outside, as this is not an unusual situation and our yard is fenced in. M came back from watering the garden and Sam was nowhere to be found. After checking the house and yard, M started to panic and went out front. He found Sam in front of the house next to us with an elderly neighbor, a former elementary teacher, holding his hand. She lives across the street and two houses down. She said she came home from grocery shopping and found Sam in her house. She has no idea how he got in the house, as it was locked. Nor do we know how he got out of our yard (we assume he climbed the fence). He said "hi," and then didn't respond when she asked his name. She asked where he lived and he pointed towards our next door neighbor's house (they weren't home). She was really really nice about it all, and obviously wasn't scared to find him there. She told M she knew his MIL and that she would check to make sure Sam hadn't gotten into anything dangerous in her house (Matt had told her Sam was likely to poke around). Again, it couldn't have ended better, except by then, M already had that fear of something horrible happening to Sam and the embarrassment of having our poor neighbor come home to find Sam in her house. We also don't want Sam to think this behavior is okay, but we're usually so glad/frazzled by the time we find him that we don't end up disciplining him to the extent we normally would. That said, this time M had a nice chat with him and needless to say he was fairly docile by the time I got home. Also, needless to say, no bike ride for me, AGAIN. And then today it was so hot, I had to come in and recoup after harvesting tomatoes from the garden.

A Day in the Life

Today was supposed to be fun for Sam. He was going on a school field trip (he goes to school year round) to Davis Farmland, a farm/petting zoo/splash park in Sterling, MA. This was a big deal for 2 reasons: 1. Sam needs one-on-one supervision and they had enough supervision for this trip that M and I didn't have to go, and 2. We thought Sam would have a great time, between the splash park, corn maze and snack bar (Sam loves french fries and hot dogs).

I'm not sure exactly where it all went wrong, but it had something to do with the van. The van picked him up sometime after 8:30, and at about 8:45 I got a call from the woman in charge of transportation. The woman from the town said that Sam was uncooperative, that he wouldn't get in his [car]seat and that they were bringing him home so that we could either calm him down or take him to school. After that change of plan, I got him off the bus and put him in the car so that M could drop him off at school. Then, I got a call from another parent, wondering why the van was late for her child. I explained the incident, and went to get dressed. After a little while, M showed up. He said that S was fine the whole way to school, but then on the way home got a call in the car that S was again crying and uncooperative and if it continued he wouldn't be able to go on the field trip. We were unsure whether that meant he could stay at school or need to come home. As we waited to to see if the teacher would call again, I struggled with a mixture of panic and anxiety.

Sure enough, the phone rang, and M went to school to retrieve S. The change in plans didn't feel great, but part of me felt like maybe he just didn't want to go for whatever reason, and better to find out now than when he was a an hour away. Maybe he was upset he didn't bring Puppy (his beloved stuffed animal), or maybe he just didn't want to miss out on fun time with the cousins that were visiting.

Things seemed tolerable for a good part of the day. We helped the kids ride their bikes, and Sam did pretty well. We still need to get better training wheels. We went in the sprinkler, and then M went to the hardware store and the kids and I were relaxing. A little while later I went to help Sam in the potty (still needs some help wiping) and while I was in there he dropped his ipod in the toilet. The water was clean by that point, but I'm pretty sure the ipod is toast. This is frustrating because obviously ipods (this was the touch) are expensive, and also because Sam uses his for communication as well as entertainment. He has lots of pictures loaded on that he uses to tell us what he wants, as well as a couple of programs that simulate speech when you touch an icon, word(s) or picture(s).

Also, at that moment, it felt like the culmination of everything that is hard about our life. I found some white sticky substance (toothpaste) on the bath and hand towel and a couple of the cabinets open. Sam likes to go through cabinets and squeeze/pump things out of their tubes/bottles (toothpaste, sunblock, soap, bug spray, room spray). I went ballistic and felt such rage for the injustice and indignity of it all. For the difference between how my life is and how it was supposed to be. (Apparently I was more upset than I thought about the field trip.) I usually don't dwell on the unfairness or comparisons, partly because it's useless, and partly because most days I can find some joy in my life with Sam.

As I calm down and get myself together, I recall the good things that happened with Sam this week. He lost his first tooth, he got his first trauma free haircut (trust me, that's a whole separate post), and did well at his end of the summer school party. Edited to add...There was a bathroom incident prior to bedtime that involved lots of cleaning of rooms, furniture and a child which left us drained and me too tired to go for a bike ride that I'd been looking forward to all day. Fortunately, we have plans with friends tomorrow; a nice break and free childcare.