Guilty

Right now I'm sitting in my kitchen, feeling a little guilty. And it's because of my yard. Well, I also haven't walked the dog yet, and the house is a disaster, but one guilty step at a time.

My yard looks fantastic. It's green and lush and full of blooming flowers. We are fortunate to have a cool backyard. It's not huge, but it's big enough to run around in, or sit in the back of. There are tons of plants that I had nothing to do with because they were here when we moved in. Whats cool about it is that it's not totally uniform. There is grass in the middle that winds it's way around both sides and snake around the corners. There is a rounded bed next to our back deck that is full of a lot of plants and flowers going wild in a semi-controlled sort of way.There are more wild beds around most of the edges of the wild. So the green grass is thin in the middle, like a bone and bulbs out on the ends to the sides of the house. There is as much planted area as grass. And the grass looks fine because it's cut, but not because we do anything else to it.We are just not that into grass. We have some nice trees for shade, and some raised beds for vegetables. It has just been mulched, and though I hate the smell, the look is great.

The front is similar, in that there is some fine-looking grass, surrounded by rounded beds in the middle and in various round shapes around the perimeter. And again with some nice trees. The difference is that we have put some time into adding plants and flowers in the front. The back just didn't need it. It's all pretty picture perfect.

The problem is that I didn't have a thing to do with it. I didn't mow the grass. I didn't edge the beds. I didn't spread the mulch. Which is where the guilt comes in. Because I sort of pride myself on being a gardener, a play in the dirt and take care of the plants kind of a girl. Now, we also think it's important to have a once a year clean-up done by a landscaper, to get us going, and then we can do the maintenance for the rest of the summer. And that's what this was. But I still have guilt that it all looks so beautiful, and I, I didn't do any of it.

UPDATE:  Later the same day...we went to our local farm/farmer's market to get fresh local strawberries and smoothies (we've been sick and the smoothies sounded good on our throats). We also went to get plants for a big pot up front and a hanging pot. These, I will do myself. Found some plants for the big pot out front, and some bee balm, and fox glove for the yard (haven't had fox glove since Alaska), but no hanging plants yet. I have found over the past few years that I really enjoy arranging annuals in our big pots that sit out front. And I've done some that are great (and some just ok), so I'm always chasing the dragon for that perfect arrangement. I'll post a picture when I get her done.

Trying it on for size

I've been thinking of blogging. Dreaming of it, even. I think of posts when I walk the dog, when I read a good article, when I am frustrated with a situation in my life. I need an outlet. In the past, I think I have been scared to be too honest. I have limited the scope of my writing to protect myself, and my family. And I think a certain amount of discretion, or privacy is appropriate. But, I think being more honest and more open, gives me a lot more to write about. And my life is so full. There is a lot beyond having a son with autism. And while my life is certainly not miserable, I have been struggling with some things. And I think writing about them will help me process them and figure them out. Sometimes thoughts and feelings evolve through moments in life, through conversations, through time...

And I have been taking some time. But, one thing I hate is people who are enthusiastically happy, ALL THE TIME. I like positive people, but not the people who don't seem real because everything is always perfect and sunny. I don't believe them. I like the funny, sarcastic, melancholy folks a bit more. I like a friend I can gripe with and laugh with. Who will complain about her kid, or mock a silly parenting situation. And while I don't think I have presented myself as one of those crazy happy people, I have been careful about what side of myself I have shown. I think now, that showing some other sides of myself, particularly maybe the ones that make me nervous, or that I'm not so proud of will be, eventually, freeing. Kind of a relief. This is my new self medicating therapy plan. What do you think?