Confession

I have a confession that I feel kind of guilty about. Of course, if I didn't feel guilty about it, it wouldn't be a confession, would it? Here's the thing. I try to live by example. I am not a big activist, I don't write to my senator, or attend rallies. Even when the cause is something I care deeply about. I do vote (though often for the lesser of the evils); I grow some of my own food and buy mostly organic and local; I recycle; I compost; I walk or ride my bike instead of driving when possible; I try to choose a recreational activity with my family instead of paying for an activity when I can, but... A really big but, actually. I am a consumer. More than I would like. I like buying things. Not shopping, really, but things that are easy for me to justify. We go to the library regularly for the kids, but I also buy a ton of books on Amazon for my Kindle because I love to read and finally have the time. M makes me coffee every day, twice a day, but I also sometimes buy coffee when I am out. I usually bring water with me, but I occasionally buy bottles of water, which I hate. We order take-out at least once a week (usually Indian with Lovely Neighbors). I buy Halloween decorations because LB says the ones we borrowed from Grandma aren't spooky or scary enough. I buy Halloween costumes, because they are better than the ones I could make (though I draw the lines at the ones that seem like they are made out of plastic bags). I buy apps for our iPad, mostly educational ones for the kids, but still. I buy music for me and movies to entertain the kids, because I think music is an important way to express yourself and relax, and M and I really like movies and want to share that with the kids. I buy pretty shoes and occasionally expensive jeans, because quality is easier to rationalize than quantity. I like things that are well made and last a long time. And pretty shoes make me happy.I buy books for the kids, because, well, they're books! And having a kid with autism makes somethings easier to buy. The Yogibo (crazy huge beanbag)? It's therapy. The apps and tag reader books? They will help him to read! The Spongebob Halloween costume will help him to imitate, interact and participate! The cool clothes will help him seem more normal, and to be honest, like someone cares about him. I hate seeing folks with special needs who just look like nobody cared enough to buy them clothes that fit. I recognize that I am lucky to live in a country where I have these options, and that I have the money to buy these things. For years, we watched every penny, and saved up for the "important" things. Now, it's a little easier, and I admit, I am enjoying it. I like making my kids happy and to be honest, I like playing with their toys too. Do they have too many? Probably. That's why we do toy and clothes cleansings and give away things we don't need anymore to friends or other people who might be able to use them. I understand that things aren't that important, and if it was all gone tomorrow, I think I'd be fine. I've done without before, and I could do it again. But isn't it okay to do a little of both? To take a walk and collect fall items for the science table at school or go apple picking and make apple crisp, but also to buy tickets to a special show or a much desired toy? I am still trying to balance taking advantage of the opportunities provided where I live now, and remember that we are all happiest playing outside, riding bikes home from school or collecting sticks. I think it's good to continually be seeking balance. Too smooth a ride would be, well, boring.