On my mind

The other day I did some shopping at some yoga style clothing stores and though I found some things, I was not happy with the sizes I fit into. My body image is a complicated thing that I'm not really comfortable with. I want to be thin and athletic, but I think women should be comfortable with what they look like. I don't want to be obsessed with food, but I don't want to be fat. It disturbs me that my views are somewhat contradictory. I know I could be more fit if I made some sacrifices, but i'm not sure if I don't take that extra step because I am healthy (mentally and physically) or just lazy and deluded. I struggle between wanting women (including myself) to be comfortable with their bodies and not obsessed with weight/food and my concern over the growing amount of extremely overweight people and wonder whether I should be more comfortable with what I look at or whether I need to do something about it.

Sometimes in the morning, when I get up with Sam, and it's really early, I actually pray that he will go back to sleep. And I never pray, so it seems either hypocritical or pathetic. And since it's not something I believe in, I don't think it's going to work. But I do it anyway. I have never told anyone that.

I have ulcerative colitis, which I was diagnosed with after The Little Person was born. Somehow I never recovered from just giving birth, and just got sicker, ending with a sixteen day stint in the hospital. It was kind of rocky for a while, but I have been fairly healthy since we have moved back east. I occasionally get flare ups, and I no longer try to run outside (no bathrooms), but for the most part I am symptom free. Or at least I was until a few weeks ago. I am still not even close to the state that put me in the hospital, but it has screwed up my plans a little lately. Even after I cut out coffee. Carbs are my friend right now, and I always have a stash of graham crackers or saltines. I haven't had peanut butter in a while, and I just started to phase coffee back in. Absolutely no dairy, red meat, beans, or tofu. I don't mind that part really, but I am a little pissed off at having to ditch out half way on a kayaking trip; making an emergency dash into the CVS bathroom; ditching into the woods at Walden Pond and in Nantucket; as well as planning a walk with my neighbor to go past my parents' house, in case I had to go to the bathroom (I did). I even had to cut out part way through a work out last week. Oh, did I mention I can't eat most granola bars? I upped my meds and altered my diet. The best solution I have found is to stop eating for a while. So it's not really a good time for me to increase my exercise or limit my carbs.

I have some things to say about The Little Person, as well as Sammy Noodles and our house, but it's close to bedtime and small people want my attention and the Tiger Balm on my neck feels weird.

I'm just sayin...