Why We Don't take Him Anywhere

People are always encouraging us to take Sam places, whether it is a birthday party, or an autism fundraising walk, or the circus, or a cruise, or to the park to fly a kite, or a field trip. They (sometimes) gently tell us we have to try, that if we never take him anywhere he will never get used to going out in public, and sometimes imply that we are leaving him out by taking his younger brother somewhere without him.

In fact, we do take him places. First of all, he goes to school five days a week, and sometimes getting him on the bus is a major accomplishment. Sometimes, not getting a call from the school or the bus driver in a day is a major accomplishment. He goes swimming at the YMCA and out for french fries (that's all we will let him eat there) at McDonald's every week with L, who does respite with him/for us and willingly gets into a bathingsuit almost every week. She also takes him to the park, and the zoo. He regularly goes for car rides with his grandparents and parents that sometimes end in french fries or donuts, sometimes not. His grandparents take him out to dinner, usually for pizza. We go to VT as a family about once a month, and depending on the weather have taken him swimming in a friend's pool, in the river (or just to throw rocks), for walks on local trails and to the raptor center. We are members at both a local zoo and a children's museum, and he is able to go with us as a family to both. For his birthday we took him to a huge indoor water park, and last year I took him to see Disney On Ice. This weekend we are going apple-picking (with our local Autism organization), and tomorrow I am taking him with his class to the movies to see Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.

It may sound defensive, and maybe it is. But, (as my MIL would say) my point is, while Sam does not go everywhere, he does go places. And as his parents we make the decision on whether or not to take him someplace based on a few criteria; our own version of a cost/benefit analysis:

1. Whether he has to go (physical or other required doctor's appointment). If it is an activity or appointment that we have no choice in, we take steps to make it as easy as possible for him and us. We will take his ipod, and put games or movies on it, along with icons/pictures he can use to communicate. we bring snacks, specifically something appealing that he doesn't get all the time, like Annie's bunny fruit snacks. We tell him where the bathroom is, and ask him frequently if he needs to go. We try to minimize the time he is in a small enclosed area. Sam does not like to be contained against his will. We don't show up too early. Waiting is not an option with Sam.
2. We examine the safety and security issues. Can we, or the person who is taking him, manage him if he gets unruly? Can we/they pick him up and carry him to the car? Is the car close enough to bail if it all goes to hell and a handbasket? Is the area contained in any way or is it too open so that he could bolt or try to wriggle away? If it does go to hell and a handbasket will we be too far from home or will the whole family have to miss an event?
3. We figure out whether it is something he wants to do or is interested enough to behave appropriately.
4. Is the benefit to Sam enough to make it worth the energy it will take us? Will it be a positive experience for him?

These are the kinds of things (and I'm sure I have forgotten some) that we think about EVERY time we take Sam out somewhere. We WANT to take him places. I hate the thought of him missing out on something. Especially something that I think he would enjoy. Also, every time he misses an event or activity, it is just a reminder of how different he and our family are. That's why I was so upset about him not being in the class picture. Next up: musings on the little person starting to notice that his big brother doesn't talk. that's how he says it. Matter of fact.

" Sam doesn't talk."